I am planning to embark on a journey of becoming a full fledged writer. I know this is a big ambition and I know it is going to be very hard but I want to try anyway. I am not looking for a 15000 word novel. I am looking for a 7000 word story and I want to write about my daily adventures and the ideas I have during commuting. It is going to be an exciting experiment. The idea has been playing on in my mind for a while now. I was trying to think of something to write about that is exciting and I think that writing about my own mental states and experiences could be interesting as a retrospective. I have been writing for a while, though not regularly and I wish I can continue recording my mental progress and maturity, but it seems that it is not to be. My irregular hours and incredibly inane life has made me indifferent to a lot of life changing ideas. It seems I have these ideas on a daily basis, but I do not act upon them. And I continue to age day by day.
The thought that I could be very well a different person just by maintaining a semblance of habit is sad. Every day I just live, react and do things just because I am asked to do. It is the very concept of the man directing the course of my life by directing my actions as well. It is frustrating that I could be much more than I am. The potential is mind boggling. I just need to go on unleashing my creative self and I am sure to do something fruitful with my life. But as often as I am inspired, I am also as easily demotivated. I have just written this pastiche on how to improve myself, but tommorow morning I will forget all of that and get back to the grind. I will get married to a boring girl who will probably want to have boring children for whom I have to work my ass off, so that in the end I end up in an old age home, invalid and without any love left for myself. This is how I envision my life the way it is going right now. Unless I do a major overhaul of the design of my life pretty soon, I am going to end up disgruntled and dissatisfied with life quite quickly.
Today when I asked for a project release from my senior , he told me that if I stayed, I was next in line for an onsite opportunity. The thing that first came to my mind was disgust. Really, was this all my career was about. Going through the grind for a project I did not enjoy, only so that I can get an opportunity for a 2 month onsite opportunity, where I would be made to work even harder and hate myself even more. I haven't envisioned my life concretely, but never did I see myself in such a position. I have worked in plenty of projects but the current project I am working in is the worst. Now it maybe because of plenty of reasons, but the most evident reason is the mindlessness of the job complemented by the mind-bogglingness of it. One moment you are supposed to fill out an excel sheet with data you need to collate from a variety of sources and using presupposition. The next moment you are asked to find out a performance bug in a code you have never written. It is frustrating and infuriating and challenging. But the challenge is also infuriating because of the built up anger and dissatisfaction that I already feel for the project. The project manager's step motherly attitude towards me and her particular lack of confidence has kind of made me hate the project and it was a relief when I was finally released, though I had always hoped that she would feel I was indispensable to the project. But her offer to bring me back for a short stint was not only an insult to injury, but my accepting her offer really made me hate myself for a long long time. It is difficult to really express the feelings of distaste I had when I got back in the project; but when the opportunity which was supposed to rescue me from this awful role fell through, the feeling of distaste compounded infinitely more. I wanted to do nothing more with this project. Even the most challenging or exciting role or offer was going to keep me in this project. And my refusal to stay in the project today was just the manifestation of the disgust and distaste.
The thought that I could be very well a different person just by maintaining a semblance of habit is sad. Every day I just live, react and do things just because I am asked to do. It is the very concept of the man directing the course of my life by directing my actions as well. It is frustrating that I could be much more than I am. The potential is mind boggling. I just need to go on unleashing my creative self and I am sure to do something fruitful with my life. But as often as I am inspired, I am also as easily demotivated. I have just written this pastiche on how to improve myself, but tommorow morning I will forget all of that and get back to the grind. I will get married to a boring girl who will probably want to have boring children for whom I have to work my ass off, so that in the end I end up in an old age home, invalid and without any love left for myself. This is how I envision my life the way it is going right now. Unless I do a major overhaul of the design of my life pretty soon, I am going to end up disgruntled and dissatisfied with life quite quickly.
Today when I asked for a project release from my senior , he told me that if I stayed, I was next in line for an onsite opportunity. The thing that first came to my mind was disgust. Really, was this all my career was about. Going through the grind for a project I did not enjoy, only so that I can get an opportunity for a 2 month onsite opportunity, where I would be made to work even harder and hate myself even more. I haven't envisioned my life concretely, but never did I see myself in such a position. I have worked in plenty of projects but the current project I am working in is the worst. Now it maybe because of plenty of reasons, but the most evident reason is the mindlessness of the job complemented by the mind-bogglingness of it. One moment you are supposed to fill out an excel sheet with data you need to collate from a variety of sources and using presupposition. The next moment you are asked to find out a performance bug in a code you have never written. It is frustrating and infuriating and challenging. But the challenge is also infuriating because of the built up anger and dissatisfaction that I already feel for the project. The project manager's step motherly attitude towards me and her particular lack of confidence has kind of made me hate the project and it was a relief when I was finally released, though I had always hoped that she would feel I was indispensable to the project. But her offer to bring me back for a short stint was not only an insult to injury, but my accepting her offer really made me hate myself for a long long time. It is difficult to really express the feelings of distaste I had when I got back in the project; but when the opportunity which was supposed to rescue me from this awful role fell through, the feeling of distaste compounded infinitely more. I wanted to do nothing more with this project. Even the most challenging or exciting role or offer was going to keep me in this project. And my refusal to stay in the project today was just the manifestation of the disgust and distaste.
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